Oh Ben

This pregnancy has really been a nail-biter for me.  Before I start my rant, I want to clarify that I know things could be MUCH worse and I am so fortunate to have what I have and how things have progressed, but that doesn't mean I can't feel the anxiety, frustration, nervousness, etc that I feel when we come across some hiccups in an otherwise perfect pregnancy...

I went back for another sonogram at 35 weeks to check on the placenta.  My appointment was scheduled for a day that I was working in the office, which is how I've been trying to schedule them so I don't have to inconvenience someone else another time during the week so I can get to the doctor.  The doctor's office called me in the morning to say that my doctor was out sick and I could either see a different doctor for the day, or reschedule.  I was anxious to get good news about the placenta moving and since I am going on a weekly basis, I figured it was fine just to go ahead and go and I would be talking to my doctor in a week anyway... but a week can be a long way away sometimes!

The sonogram went well, as far as I could tell.  The sonographer mentioned "it looked like the placenta had moved" but seemed to take forever to figure that out.  She had to do another internal sonogram, but no big deal.  I waited in the doctor's office afterwards for what seemed like forever.  When she finally came in and started talking about the sonogram, it all went so fast.  The placenta had moved (yay!) BUT she said the sonographer found something.  "They don't know what to make of it" and "we have never seen anything quite like it."  She said they found a "hypervascular mass" by my uterus, and it was just odd because they don't usually see something like that there and they just didn't know what it was.  I tried to ask questions, but they really couldn't give me any info.  What is that?  What does that mean?  "Its like an area of blood vessels where we don't normally see blood vessels."  Well what would it be?  What are the implications?  "We just really aren't sure."  My doctor wasn't going to be in for a couple days, but she wanted to go ahead and refer me to a specialist at St. John's, if that was ok.  Ok??  Of course it was ok!  Could I go right now?!  Unfortunately, as my doctor's long-time nurse explained, it was not easy getting an appointment and it took lots of paperwork and back and forth with their office to get it all sorted out.  They would call me in the next day or two with an appointment, that they were going to try and get it in as soon as possible, but definitely within a week. 

I got in the car and lost it.  I couldn't get ahold of John and I was in no shape to go back to work.  I just wanted to start googling right away, because I was imagining the worst.  I couldn't remember the term they used to describe it so I was blindly searching things and getting no where.  I decided to text my doctor (I'm sure he was regretting his decision to give me his personal cell phone number!).  I just wanted him to be aware and call me in a couple days when he had a chance to look at it.  He has delivered thousands or babies... surely he'd have some indication of what it was and put my mind at ease.  He called into his office right away (have I mentioned how good my doctor is to me?!) and got back to me right away that it didn't appear to be something wrong with the baby, which was reassuring, but that he found it surprising that the sonographer and doctor had never seen anything like it, considering all they do see.  He agreed to get an appointment with the specialist to get some clarification. 

Longest week ever! 

Even though I have two kids to keep me busy and it was a holiday weekend, the unknown still weighed on my mind heavily.  After all the reading I did (and I'm an expert now by the way), I concluded that I either had a tumor, placenta accretia, or it was nothing.  So I was dying (my pregnancy hormones make me a bit dramatic), facing a c-section and hysterectomy, or everyting was fine.  Quite a swing!  I had mostly talked myself out of a tumor - surely they would have sent me right away if it was something that serious...but I was terrified at the thought of major surgery and a delivery together and just as terrified of recovering from a major surgery and delivery with three kids under the age of three to care for.  This is where I would try to give myself a reality check… in the big picture this would just be a hard time, but it wouldn't last forever...people are going through and living through much worse things and situations.  I don't know how they do it, though.  Their bravery amazes me. 

Big, huge, ginormous sigh or relief, because everything is fine.  I saw the specialist and he did confirm seeing the spot that I was refered for but he was able to rule out anything that would be a problem.  It looked like to him that I had engorged blood vessels (which are normal in any pregnancy) in that area that were just showing up more prominently on me... and it likely explained why I have been feeling so much pressure, too.  They did a full anatomy scan and nothing appeared out of the ordinary to them.  All good news!  He said that when he read my referal he was worried about placenta accretia... John commented, "Oh don't worry, Jen is an expert on that now!" but that he didn't see any sign of that.  Phew!

John and my mom kept telling me to stop looking things up.  I wasn't trying to scare myself or make things worse, but if something was wrong I didn't want to get to an appointment and the doctor start using all kinds of medical terms and whatnot and I sit there clueless and not able to take it all in because I didn't even know the terminology.  I like to be knowledgeable, know details and I wanted to be able to ask the right questions and leave feeling informed (maybe it's all these years of being trained as an auditor??), instead of like at my appointment the week before when I felt so blindsided and in shock to even try and discuss anything.  But a lot of worry for nothing, thank goodness!

This little scare definitely made me jump on trying to get things put together and ready for the baby, though! 

We figured out the car seat arrangement... and all 3 fit!!

Rudy is really excited that he gets to sit next to the baby.  He keeps asking, "Baby now??"  He says he is going to help me out and I've been telling him how important his job of big brother is. 

Unfortunately, every car ride includes some sort of fight between Rudy and Avery.  "No touching." "Keep you hands to yourself." "Stay on your side." are said on repeat.  Rudy even yells at Avery, "No touch A-be!"  She usually just wants to hold Rudy's hand.  Some days he lets her and it's the sweetest thing ever. 

Mine and Ben's bags are just about packed.  What isn't in the bag is on a list, just need to finish up gathering it all. 

The gifts for the kids are just about ready to go, just need to assemble and take out of boxes, etc.

I've started talking with our moms about the logistics with the kids and we pretty much have it figured out - a plan for if I'm induced and a plan for if Ben surprises us!

I'm waiting on my dad to bring over a few of the bigger baby items we have stored at their house, but otherwise, we are pretty much ready... well, who I am kidding?  Can you ever really be ready??  :)

 

I am feeling pretty miserable, in general. I'm just so uncomfortable and in pain all over. I am not looking forward to 2+ more weeks of this!  
 

I had another appointment this week and all looks good.  It was so nice to have a stress-free, non-anxiety causing appointment!  And I'm dilated 1 cm already, which is promising that things are moving along.  The doctor will check me again next week and finger-crossed, we will be able to schedule Ben's birthday!

Now if all the "guys" could get done with their work and away from our house, we could really let out a deep breath...

And just to add a little smile to this less than pleasant post:

I'm the luckiest Mom