Even as I pick him up, the delicious weight of his body in my arms, I think it.
Even as I kiss the smooth, irresistible skin of his cheek, just the right amount of chubbiness for a mama smooch, I think it.
Even as I nursed him to sleep, watching that impossible tuft of fine hair stick up straight in the back and sway with every movement of the rocking chair, I think it.
This can’t be it, my heart whispers.
This can’t be my last baby.
I had my third baby in May, a baby some might see as a luxury, an indulgence, a number just over the limit of sanity for normal people - especially this close in age.
Three kids? People say to us incredulously.
Don’t you know what causes that?
Well, yes, we do and shockingly enough, we don’t have a problem with the cause or the babies that inevitably follow for us.
In fact, I’ve always loved babies. I can remember playing with baby dolls well past the age when most girls had moved on to something else. I even looked forward to the weekend I got to bring home the fake baby in high school for health class. I've always been "the mom" and its all I've ever looked forward to. These past five years especially have been centered around babies. Babies, babies, and more babies.
Which is precisely why I am now terrified to ever move past the baby stage in my life
.
There’s no pressing physical reason that I have to stop having babies, but I know very well that my husband and I are at a crossroads of sorts. We have lived in the trenches of parenting very young kids for the past several years and while it’s been so amazing in ways hard to explain, it’s also been stifling in many ways. Our marriage has been tested and at times, I can feel my husband and I struggling to come up for air, wanting — and needing — to take a deep breath and remember why we married each other.
Although I've been questioning him all the time about "Just one more?? You really think we are done??" I know deep down that another baby right now may just push us over the edge. For the first time ever, I feel almost selfish in wanting more children, like I’m not at all considering the impact that another child would have on the family we have already created and the man who has vowed to raise them with me. We are so fortunate with the babies God chose for us. We have three beautiful, seemingly healthy children that are just so perfect for us. In so many ways, these three make our family feel so completely complete and perfect just as it is.
I am so, so happy in my life right now — it’s the kind of happiness when you look around and realize,
this is it. I have everything I’ve ever wanted. And you start to wonder how long it will all last.
Because as my husband and I have trudged up and down our hallways this week with each one of our respective screaming, feverish children and swore under our breath, “That’s it, NO more babies,” I have felt them slipping away from me - my children are growing up before my eyes, dimpled toddler limbs transforming into awkward school kids, garbled words replaced by startlingly clear sentences.
Because the honest truth is I’m afraid of what comes next.
I’m afraid of a life without the sweet breath of my babies.
I’m afraid of a life without the sweet innocence that I see reflected back in my daughter’s big blue eyes.
I’m afraid of a life spent without the delicious weight of a baby in my arms and a pair of chubby thighs to munch on. I’m afraid, simply, to move on.
I'm afraid of the big problems to come - you know the saying, "Little people little problems, big people big problems." I'm scared to parent those big problems and not do or offer the right words. I know babies, I don't know teenagers.
As moms, we hear the plea from parents who have lived through the baby stages to enjoy it, soak it all in, count every last minute as the blessing that it is. Every time I kiss my babies goodnight I hear one of those voices, telling me with eyes full of sweet sadness, that right now, this time of babies nestled in my arms, days spent around naptimes and stories and coloring and play time, safe in our cocoon at home, is the best time of our lives.
And I fully believe that with all of my heart.
But the problem is, if this is the best time of my life …
How do I ever leave it behind?
