My Fears

I've been having some emotional pregnancy-induced mood swings lately.  Of particular concern is my fears of having another baby (not the actual having part, although I'm sure that will come sooner than later).  But mostly, how am I going to love another baby as much as I love Rudy?  Or I know I'll love Baby Girl as much, I already do, but what if I don't like her as much as I like Rudy?  I pretty much think Rudy is the bees-knees and I don't know how anyone else is going to be able to hold a flame next to him.  And you can't have "favorites" so how does this work exactly??  

And I love my Mom-Rudy time.  It is making me nervous/scared/sad that I will have to give up some of that in order to take care of Baby Girl.  This was especially brought to life when last night I had Gran give Rudy his bath and put him to bed so I could go work on the house.  I figured, he's got to learn to have other people put him to bed because I am not going to be able to do it every time once Baby Girl is here...which is absolutely true, even though it really saddens me.  Gran said he was fine and happy until it was time to actually go to sleep.  He kept pointing at the door and looking around for me.  Breaks my heart.  Of course I know he is fine and he's with someone who loves him to pieces, but I'm sad I won't always be able to be there for him like I am now.  

Also, how is it logistically going to work with 2 small children?  I mean, seriously, I have a hard enough time corralling Rudy, chasing him around, feeding him, etc...how am I going to do all of that and have an infant??  Granted, I am with Rudy by myself on the regular these days with our house project going on and once that is done John will be around lots more, but still. 

So after battling these thoughts for awhile now, it came up in conversation with John when we got home from the house and heard from Gran how bedtime went.  It never ceases to amaze me how simple John can put things and how much better I feel after talking to him, even if for just 3 minutes.  The cliff-notes version of our conversation went about as follows:

Me (through tears):  I'm so scared to have this baby because I won't just be "Rudy's Mom," I'll be "Rudy and ___'s Mom" - its not fair that Rudy is losing part of me and ___ will never know what its like to have all of me.  I feel like in a couple months I have to give up some of Rudy.

John:  But you are gaining so much more, and so is he.
Me (stumped):  But it still makes me sad that I can't put him to bed every night. 
John:  You do realize, whether we were having another baby or not, he is going to grow up.  And at some point, regardless, you will just give him a kiss goodnight and he will go to bed... 

Me (stumped, stuttering):  But how are we going to do two?  I can't fathom the idea of what its going to be like.

John:  Could you fathom what it would be like to have one?  

Me: Well, no.

John:  And you figured it out and are doing great.

Me:  But it's just going to be so hard, don't you think?

John:  Of course it's going to be hard, it's going to be a nightmare.  

Me:  Oh that's nice.

John:  Don't you remember when Rudy was first born and how hard that was?  It will be like that.  And now it's the greatest thing ever.  And it will be like that only better because we will have two. 

Me (stumped for another argument and tears gone because he's right)...

...so thankful he's my husband and Rudy and Baby Girl's dad.  We are a lucky and very blessed bunch.