Baby Girl

I had another appointment on Friday.  LeeAnn was able to watch Rudy for me, so I could focus on the appointment and I felt like I had lots to talk to the doctor about.  For the last couple weeks, I have been feeling less than "normal."  I notice a lot more pains, discomfort, pressure, etc.  There are times when I am convinced the baby is trying to claw her way out.  Luckily, after talking to the doctor, I am not as concerned as I was before.  He said it was completely normal symptoms for 2nd pregnancy and they usually start between 29-31 weeks.  He even laughed at some of my descriptions because it was right on what he expected to hear.  He said I was likely contracting, but he isn't concerned.  As long as they don't get regular or increase in intensity, all things are good.  Baby Girl's heartbeat was strong and my blood pressure was lower than the last appointment - all good there!  Hard to believe I go back in 2 weeks already - and even harder to believe I am less than 9 weeks away from D-Day!

Almost 2 weeks ago - 

Week 30

I promise more updates on the next post!  And hopefully that one comes with some big updates!

Party Time!

With my parent's out of town for the weekend, I thought it would be a good time to have over some friends and their babies for breakfast on Saturday...in other words, Rudy had a par-tay.  Jannette, Jorja, Layla, Robyn, Sam, Levi, Jenna, and Nolan all came over and we had a great time.  I don't think I've ever seen Gran's house so torn apart with toys.  They must have gotten out every toy Rudy has and scattered it about -- not to mention the things that weren't toys that were all over.  It takes 10 minutes to pick it all up, so no harm done, but they were having fun and that's what matters.  They all played really well together, too.  I didn't get many pictures because I was too busy talking and playing, but I did snap a few of Rudy greeting Layla.  I sat down next to her to see how Rudy would do and how he would react.  He was a little apprehensive at first to approach her, but then he got really excited and started clapping and waving to her.  It was adorable.   

 Could he look more like John??

My how things have changed from what I would have done with my parents out of town when I was living with them before! 

Some other things going on with Rudy lately:

• Rudy loves to get into the cabinets, especially the pantry.  We keep his crackers on the bottom shelf and he knows how to get them out and share with Rufus, of course. 

• He also is a big help with anything I am doing and always has to be right in the middle of everything.  Like laundry.. 

• Or opening up a shipped package that came with wrapping.  Rudy had a blast with it.  He was cracking himself up getting all tangled up in it.  

This was not staged - it was all his doing!

• His latest thing is to try and snuggle Rufus like a stuffed animal.  He wants to give him big hugs, lay on top of him, next to him... and Rufus wants no part of it, usually.  It turns into them just squirming and wiggling all over each other -- Rudy trying to get comfortable on him and Rufus trying to get away.  

 Daddy pile on!

• He also knows where Rufus' leash is and likes us to put it on him so he can walk him around the kitchen.  And he really does.  He holds his leash and walks him back and forth (for maybe 2 minutes before something else distracts him). 

• He loves to play like he's trying to "get us" or like we are going to "get him."  He will run towards us, then turn quick and run away and laugh hysterically.  He also is a big fan of  the classic "peek-a-boo" or as we say, "where's Rudy?"  He will hide behind the door frame, chair, etc, and when we ask, "Where's Rudy?" he pops his head around with a big grin.  Sometimes he doesn't even hide, just sticks his head out as if he was hiding -- that's pretty hilarious.  It looks as if he's trying to juke someone out.  It really comes in handy when he does actually sneak away from me and I can't find him.  A simple, "Where's Rudy?" or "Rudy, where are you?" and he's popping up around the corner...and I start breathing again.  

• He's back to waving.  He gave it up for awhile, but he's doing it again.  He especially likes to wave at cars going by. 

• He's onry as ever.  When he gets into something he knows he's not supposed to, he gets real quiet.  And when I start to approach he tries his hardest to scurry away as quickly as possible.  

• He thinks its funny to stomp on people's feet.  Kurt and I were the only ones in town and not working on Sunday for football and Rudy was relentless.  Kurt was trying to watch the Steelers game (which was pretty close!) and Rudy kept expecting reactions from him when he would step on his feet...or take his hat...or bring him books to read...

• He LOVES to put his stinky feet in our faces and the larger the reaction from us, the harder he laughs.  When we are changing his clothes or diaper or laying on the floor playing, he has easy access.  But he even attempts it if we are sitting up on the floor.  He will walk up to us and hike his leg up -- trying to get his foot to reach to our face.  

• He knows where his eyes are and his nose.  We are working on others, but he seems to have those two down pretty good.  

• He loves dogs, but hasn't figured out that cartoon dogs are dogs, too -- as in he shows no favoritism to a drawing of a dog over a pig/cat/monster/etc.  He has a Baby Einstein book that has a picture of a real dog in it and he is always going to it and opening to the dog page and laughing and pointing at it.  I bought him Air Buddies and Spooky Buddies this weekend and he stands and points every time the dogs come on the screen, which is a lot.  

• He points a lot and his communication is getting pretty good with being able to tell us what he wants by doing so.  Or what he's excited about or where he wants to go.  And he uses his pointer to push buttons too -- the microwave, the elevators, the toaster.  He is not happy if you don't let him do it. 

• He loves helping his Dad at the house.  He finds any tool/stick/etc in sight and drags it to a different room (much to John's aggravation when he can't find anything) and bangs on everything he can with the tools.  There are two spots on the walls he always "works on" -- they are already knicked up and we aren't even living there yet!  Any day John is at the house and I have Rudy, I try and take him by for a visit and to check things out.  It's the highlight of our day :) 

And what would a post be without some house pictures...

  

Countertops!!

 ...getting there!

My Fears

I've been having some emotional pregnancy-induced mood swings lately.  Of particular concern is my fears of having another baby (not the actual having part, although I'm sure that will come sooner than later).  But mostly, how am I going to love another baby as much as I love Rudy?  Or I know I'll love Baby Girl as much, I already do, but what if I don't like her as much as I like Rudy?  I pretty much think Rudy is the bees-knees and I don't know how anyone else is going to be able to hold a flame next to him.  And you can't have "favorites" so how does this work exactly??  

And I love my Mom-Rudy time.  It is making me nervous/scared/sad that I will have to give up some of that in order to take care of Baby Girl.  This was especially brought to life when last night I had Gran give Rudy his bath and put him to bed so I could go work on the house.  I figured, he's got to learn to have other people put him to bed because I am not going to be able to do it every time once Baby Girl is here...which is absolutely true, even though it really saddens me.  Gran said he was fine and happy until it was time to actually go to sleep.  He kept pointing at the door and looking around for me.  Breaks my heart.  Of course I know he is fine and he's with someone who loves him to pieces, but I'm sad I won't always be able to be there for him like I am now.  

Also, how is it logistically going to work with 2 small children?  I mean, seriously, I have a hard enough time corralling Rudy, chasing him around, feeding him, etc...how am I going to do all of that and have an infant??  Granted, I am with Rudy by myself on the regular these days with our house project going on and once that is done John will be around lots more, but still. 

So after battling these thoughts for awhile now, it came up in conversation with John when we got home from the house and heard from Gran how bedtime went.  It never ceases to amaze me how simple John can put things and how much better I feel after talking to him, even if for just 3 minutes.  The cliff-notes version of our conversation went about as follows:

Me (through tears):  I'm so scared to have this baby because I won't just be "Rudy's Mom," I'll be "Rudy and ___'s Mom" - its not fair that Rudy is losing part of me and ___ will never know what its like to have all of me.  I feel like in a couple months I have to give up some of Rudy.

John:  But you are gaining so much more, and so is he.
Me (stumped):  But it still makes me sad that I can't put him to bed every night. 
John:  You do realize, whether we were having another baby or not, he is going to grow up.  And at some point, regardless, you will just give him a kiss goodnight and he will go to bed... 

Me (stumped, stuttering):  But how are we going to do two?  I can't fathom the idea of what its going to be like.

John:  Could you fathom what it would be like to have one?  

Me: Well, no.

John:  And you figured it out and are doing great.

Me:  But it's just going to be so hard, don't you think?

John:  Of course it's going to be hard, it's going to be a nightmare.  

Me:  Oh that's nice.

John:  Don't you remember when Rudy was first born and how hard that was?  It will be like that.  And now it's the greatest thing ever.  And it will be like that only better because we will have two. 

Me (stumped for another argument and tears gone because he's right)...

...so thankful he's my husband and Rudy and Baby Girl's dad.  We are a lucky and very blessed bunch. 

My New Perspective

A co-worker of mine shared this with me recently, and it really hit home (even brought a tear to my eye).  I think its worth sharing myself:

"Last weekend, my family traveled to attend my oldest niece's Sweet Sixteen party. My brother and sister-in-law planned this party for many months and intended it to be a big surprise, and it included a photo booth for the guests.

I showed up to the party a bit late and, as usual, slightly askew from trying to dress myself and all my little people for such a special night out. I'm still carrying a fair amount of baby weight and wearing a nursing bra, and I don't fit into my cute clothes. I felt awkward and tired and rumpled.

I was leaning my aching back against the bar, my now 5-month-old baby sleeping in a carrier on my chest (despite the pounding bass and dulcet tones of LMFAO blasting through the room) when my 5-year-old son ran up to me.

"Come take pictures with me, Mommy," he yelled over the music, "in the photo booth!"

I hesitated. I avoid photographic evidence of my existence these days. To be honest, I avoid even mirrors. When I see myself in pictures, it makes me wince. I know I am far from alone; I know that many of my friends also avoid the camera.

It seems logical. We're sporting mama bodies and we're not as young as we used to be. We don't always have time to blow dry our hair, apply make-up, perhaps even bathe (ducking). The kids are so much cuter than we are; better to just take their pictures, we think.

But we really need to make an effort to get in the picture. Our sons need to see how young and beautiful and human their mamas were. Our daughters need to see us vulnerable and open and just being ourselves -- women, mamas, people living lives. Avoiding the camera because we don't like to see our own pictures? How can that be okay?

Too much of a mama's life goes undocumented and unseen. People, including my children, don't see the way I make sure my kids' favorite stuffed animals are on their beds at night. They don't know how I walk the grocery store aisles looking for treats that will thrill them for a special day. They don't know that I saved their side-snap, paper-thin baby shirts from the hospital where they were born or their little hospital bracelets in keepsake boxes high on the top shelves of their closets. They don't see me tossing and turning in bed wondering if I am doing an okay job as a mother, if they are okay in their schools, where we should take them for a vacation, what we should do for their birthdays. I'm up long past the news on Christmas Eve wrapping presents and eating cookies and milk, and I spend hours hunting the Internet and the local Targets for specially-requested Halloween costumes and birthday presents. They don't see any of that.

Someday, I want them to see me, documented, sitting right there beside them: me, the woman who gave birth to them, whom they can thank for their ample thighs and their pretty hair; me, the woman who nursed them all for the first years of their lives, enduring porn star-sized boobs and leaking through her shirts for months on end; me, who ran around gathering snacks to be the week's parent reader or planning the class Valentine's Day party; me, who cried when I dropped them off at preschool, breathed in the smell of their post-bath hair when I read them bedtime stories, and defied speeding laws when I had to rush them to the pediatric ER in the middle of the night for fill-in-the-blank (ear infections, croup, rotavirus).

I'm everywhere in their young lives, and yet I have very few pictures of me withthem. Someday I won't be here -- and I don't know if that someday is tomorrow or thirty or forty or fifty years from now -- but I want them to have pictures of me. I want them to see the way I looked at them, see how much I loved them. I am not perfect to look at and I am not perfect to love, but I am perfectly their mother.

When I look at pictures of my own mother, I don't look at cellulite or hair debacles. I just see her -- her kind eyes, her open-mouthed, joyful smile, her familiar clothes. That's the mother I remember. My mother's body is the vessel that carries all the memories of my childhood. I always loved that her stomach was soft, her skin freckled, her fingers long. I didn't care that she didn't look like a model. She was my mama.

So when all is said and done, if I can't do it for myself, I want to do it for my kids. I want to be in the picture, to give them that visual memory of me. I want them to see how much I am here, how my body looks wrapped around them in a hug, how loved they are.

I will save the little printed page with four squares of pictures on it and the words "Morgan's Sweet Sixteen" scrawled across the top with the date. There I am, hair not quite coiffed, make-up minimal, face fuller than I would like -- one hand holding a sleeping baby's head, and the other wrapped around my sweet littlest guy, who could not care less what I look like."

It seemed to describe me and speak to me directly.  I have had these very same thoughts, in fact, I've even deleted pictures of me and Rudy because "I looked bad" - how terrible.  But no more!  I'm so glad I was given this to read, because it was the swift kick to the head that I needed.  Who cares how I look?  I'm with my most favorite little boy that I love to pieces and I'm happy to have that documented!

Dad, is our house done yet??

So much for that...

Daycare.  

Yep.  We are done.  Day 2 was no better than Day 1.  

I made John drop Rudy off last Tuesday for two reasons.  1.  I didn't think I could handle doing it again, especially if Rudy remembered what would happen and cried even worse.  And 2.  I wanted to see if John had the same "feeling" I did about the place/people/etc of if I just needed to adjust and get over it. 

John confirmed my suspicions about the place and my ill-feelings for it.  They didn't even have John check him in or out -- and they had seen him once.  And when he dropped him off at the door, no one even asked who he was or did much to try and "welcome" Rudy in.  We felt like they were just there to monitor the kids and didn't interact much.  John was particularly disturbed when one kid walked up to Rudy with snot dripping down his nose.  No wonder Rudy got sick after just one day...wouldn't be hard to pass germs if no one is taking the time to wipe their noses!  

I called about 9:30 to see how things were going.  She said, "umm...ok."  And that was it.  I had to pry out more information.  "What do you mean 'ok'?  Is he crying?  Upset?  Did he eat?  Is he playing?  Are you doing anything to distract him from being sad?"  She said, "yea, he's been crying off and on.  He just wants to be cuddled a lot so we gave him a stuffed bear to carry around."  Awesome.    

Thankfully, Ray and LeeAnn came home from DC earlier in the day than they had planned, so John went and picked Rudy up at noon and took him there instead.  I can't express how much happier I was to pick Rudy up from their house that evening and to see him happy.  It almost made me cry.  I hope they realize how grateful we are to have their help watching Rudy!  

Now I'm not saying we are throwing out the idea of daycare all together.  I definitely still believe the pros I listed out earlier have their merit.  But I just don't think that was the right place for us.  We will look around or wait for openings at home daycares we know and not be in a hurry.  The poor kid has enough changes going on in his life and even more so coming up.  Maybe after the 1st of the year we will revisit the idea. 

Until then, I'm happy having my baby happy!!

 Out to lunch with Gran and Grandpa

One morning Rudy wanted to go outside and play and I said, "You'll have to wait a minute, you don't have any shoes on."  So off he went and returned with one of his dad's boots to try and put on.  He wobbled over that for awhile trying to get his foot in.  And was so frustrated, might I add.

 John helped him in, but only to Rudy's disappointment when he couldn't walk in them!

In an effort to try more tactics to get Rudy feeling better, I bought some vapor bath that bubbles! (bonus!)  Rudy has been having some fun baths this week!

 ...but doesn't taste so good

After a particularly awful night of sleep for Rudy (and mom, Gran and Grandpa), I took Rudy to Prompt Care to get him checked out.  His symptoms had seemed to get worse over the previous two days and that night was the deciding factor.  Good thing we went!  Poor Rudy has an ear infection in both ears.  But after 2 days of being on antibiotics, he's already a much happier boy!  Having a sick baby is no fun, for so many reasons.  I felt (and feel) awful for him.  But he's slept through the night the last two nights and has been in much better spirits so I think its safe to say he is on the mend.

I did a little painting outside this weekend and Gran was nice enough to walk Rudy down to the park.  He had lots of fun!  He especially liked the slides.  Gran said she went down with him on her lap at first, but after that he was a dare devil and wanted to do it all by himself and over and over.

I took Rudy and Rufus for a walk Monday, or should I say Rudy took Rufus for a walk while I walked Rudy.  

The kid sure likes being in control.  He's the boss and lets us know it on a regular basis!

We are still opening birthday presents.  It's fun to get out a new one every once in awhile to play with.  John had to put this one together and, of course, Rudy and Rufus were right there to help!

Baby Girl

Rudy went with me again for my latest Baby Girl appointment last Friday.  I've sworn after that one that I can't (or don't want) to take him there by myself again.  He would not sit still and I spent 30 minutes in the waiting room chasing him around.  He found the hallway that leads back to the nurses station and was incredibly persistent at getting back there.  I tried moving chairs to confuse him on his surroundings -- nope, didn't work.  Two people commented on how I must get a work-out hanging out with him.  And then we get into the doctor's room and he looses it over anyone touching me again.  It was chaotic and I felt bad not giving Baby Girl and what's going on with her attention.  I measured at 29 weeks, just one week larger so that's good.  Her heartbeat was strong.  I gained 3 pounds overnight.  Literally.  I had weighed myself all week and was consistently the same.  I was excited to finally go to an appointment and not put up a "more than the average 1-lb a week" number, but overnight I gained 3 pounds and had an overall gain of 6.  Ugh.  My blood pressure was higher than its ever been, but thankfully, still at the highest range of "normal."  The doc said we'd watch it closely (which they do anyway) because he doesn't want to see it go any higher.  Fingers crossed it was just a bad day and its back down again in 2 weeks -- SO surreal that I had to schedule just 3 weeks away and after that one I'm already going to be going every 2 weeks.  How is this going so fast?!?!  Overall, I don't feel great.  I don't remember being this uncomfortable and in pain so early with Rudy.  I'm still able to function, but lets just say I'm looking forward to not being pregnant!

I'm anxious to get her nursery set up and her things all put away (and figure out what else I need! - besides the dozen or so bows I've bought).  I think I've found the crib I want to order, just waiting for an official move-in date to click "order."  Baby Girl is still nameless.  We're working on it, though.  

House

Things are moving right along.  It's even more surreal that we are going to be living there in the near future.  The Closet Guy installed the closets on Tuesday.  Our countertops are being installed tomorrow in the kitchen and bathrooms and I'm SO excited to see those in.  The plumber is supposed to come soon after to work on the bathrooms and put in all the faucets/fixtures into the counters.  John Ballweg should be getting back to painting today and hopefully the HVAC guy comes to finish soon.  Our appliances are being delivered and installed on Wednesday.  Our grass is growing!  Ray is putting up lights and they are looking so great.  It's such a great feeling seeing it all come together!  Picking out all the details of a house is a lot of work and it's sometimes hard to judge how it will all fall into place, but so far so good!  The floors are all pretty much done, trim is up everywhere but a few places, and John built the island this week.  He still has some finishing touches, but progress is visible!  There is still a list of things that need done, but nothing major and barring any unforeseen circumstance coming up, we are hopeful to be in in a few weeks.  Prayers it all works out!  I don't have a lot of pictures, because a picture of trim doesn't look all that exciting, even though it makes such a difference walking through.. but here is what I have...

The island in progress and lights!

And these Craigslist stools I found 

and painted

Gran and Grandpa Ballweg are off to West Virgina (with a stop in Kentucky to visit Ga-Ga) today for the World Chili Cook-off and Grandpa and Grandma Cicci leave for Des Moines tomorrow.  So it's just the three of us this weekend.  It's going to be so weird being alone all night with Rudy while John is at work tonight and Sunday...not sure how I feel about it.  My first thought was to be bummed about it, but then that's what I'm wishing for so badly with moving into our house, right??... maybe I'm not as ready to be in the new house as I think, or maybe I'm just not ready to leave the comforts of Gran and Grandpa's house  :)